Wednesday, March 9, 2011

My BELONKER has a first's C-H-A-R-M-I-N

WARNING - This post if graphic....proceed at your own risk!

Ok so the time has come for the post on the BELONKER!! This morning I made the mistake of not wearing any underwear or a belonker and first went tanning then to a pilates reformer/ballet bar class...... UH holy sweaty ass crotch, in pilates/yoga pants mind you ...ERR ; /

So what is a belonker you ask...
     A belonker is a piece of toilet paper that acts as a panty liner would. It is thrown out (flushed down the toilet) at every bathroom break and is replaced with a new fresh one. 

Belonkers are great for:
     Girls with extra wet kitty's (aka vagina). I mean really I think we've all had the experience at least once in our life where your going about your day and all of a sudden your like "Oh my" and discharged! What do you do?! Keep going about your day with spooge in your panties UH NO! I doubt you carry around an extra pair of underwear to change into and if you don't have a pad or panty liner handy (which I doubt you would unless your a pad kinda gal LOL) common sense would be to take a piece of toilet paper and place it in your panties like a pad OR better yet like I do just stick it all up in there! See even say you wear a pad, a pad just protects your underwear but if you did discharge or whatever your still gonna feel it...GROSS until you change it BUT if you have a piece of toilet wedged in there you don't feel it.. GEESE this is harder to explain than I thought LOL I'm sounding fukn nuts and gross ; /  oh well!
     Great for leaky ass (don't act like you don't know what leaky ass is...every now and then no matter how many times you get the idea!!! 
     Great for sweaty crotch/sweaty ass. so great for hot summer days or when your at the gym or working out! WARNING! I've worn a belonker in hot yoga a few times and sweated so bad I sweated the belonker to shreds...literally disintegrated it to tiny pieces left in my underwear!

Basically keeps you as fresh and clean as possible since it is changed every time you use the bathroom!

And NO I don't have an extra dischargin sweaty crotch or leaky ass 24/7 even though you might be thinking that LMAO!! It's just that little extra step of protection I like to take to keep me fresh and clean. Hey no spooge or skid marks in my undewear!! ; )

What does a belonker look like.....
     Take a piece of toilet paper, 2sheets is best (this way your cover your crotch and your ass) I prefer Charmin Ultra Strong!! ah hahahahaha
Don't even get me started on a cheap toilet paper belonker....UUUUGGGGHHHH it's the fukn worst! (Confession - I sometimes bring my own roll of toilet paper when I travel so I can have less cheap toilet paper belonker moments......heck I should just keep a roll in my purse HA)

Then fold it in half (long ways)

Then wedge it up in your crotch/ass and pull up your undies and wah la!

Me on my wedding night with my belonker sticking out my ass as my cousin helps get me back in my dress! ; ) LOL

Where did the name "belonker" come from....
     The word came from my husband and his friends. One day he saw my belonker and was like 'ah hahaha you wear a belonker' and I was like 'WTF is a belonker'
Basically he and his friends at work (they worked in a car shop, and often sweated their asses off) so they would take a piece of a paper towel, twist it, then shove it up their ass like a pad to absorb all their ass sweat! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Still not sure why the hell they called it a belonker but they did, so since I obviously didn't have a name for what mine was...belonker is what it was and what it is!!

He proceeded to tell me a story how one day they went to lunch next door to their shop and one of his friends belonkers fell out on the floor in the sandwich shop and some lady walked by and picked it up and threw it out....EEWWWWW! 
Reason I share that is DON'T pick up stuff off the floor trying to do a good never know where it's been! ah hahahhahahahhahahahah

I've had a few mishaps where it's fallen out, sometimes I'll find my dog with it in his mouth AH HAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA! OMG this post is so fukn retarded!
My husband can even trace me sometimes if he sees a belonker on the floor he's like 'oh my wife was here' ahahahahahahahahahaha! True story, sometimes he's come out of a bathroom and been like 'yo your belonker was on the floor' ahahaha oops I guess I missed the toilet! Hey shit happens! Nobody's perfect!

This post was done for all my friends who know me and my belonkers and kept asking when I was gonna do a belonker post! Well here it is folks....aint no shame in my game ; )

Stay fresh!

Jamie xx


  1. Ohhhh my goooddd....bbblllooonnnkkkeeerrrrrr you have out done yourself this time.... you know we all do it too! lol

  2. This gives a whole new meaning to "A picture's worth a thousand words"... I am trying SO hard not to laugh at work (and this probably is not something I should be reading about at work!) Too funny!